Blog #2--The Calm Before The Storm

Ok. . . did my first post explain my situation well? Are you in? If so, read on. . and remember, I'm wordy but I'll try and make it worth your while. .

It's about 18 days out before I leave and I'm scared to death. I have all these thoughts swirling through my head 'what if it doesn't work?', 'what if my dad & I kill each other due to fighting?', 'how will my marriage survive 2.5 months of not being together when it's already so fragile?', 'will j like being alone and not want me to come back?', 'what if this is a scam?' and on. . and on. . and on.

I have been in a fatigue cycle now for about a week. I've gained back the 3 pounds I lost in Omaha and that makes me more upset. . but I still cheat and eat when I'm not supposed to. I'm fairly ashamed of myself for not having more will power. I mean, I look like shit and I usually know that means I need to do something about it but when your life has very little joy, food does become a factor of debate even though I should be extremely strict in my 1000 calorie diet.

There isn't much argument against why I should go. . although I have a lot of skepticism. The treatment course seems way too easy as opposed to what I've been through. Then again, what does Occams Razor say?

Yes, I'm skeptical. . I am not a believer in only Western medicine but I feel that I'm doomed to be a sick/frail person. . because since the age of 12 it's been that way. So how could this place possibly change me.

Still, I have to look at the facts:

-my parents are paying for it (I'm ashamed to say I cannot afford to do so)
-my parents are paying for my rent and my dad is taking 2-3 months off of his life to be with me.
-i'm allowed to take 2 of my cats
-no one is going to put me on weird meds that make me sick or anxious (note--I don't do well with amphetamines, I'm much better on downers).
-no one is going to hurt me and the treatments cannot possibly hurt more than I do right now
-what do I have to lose?

I guess the only thing I have to lose is the fact that if it doesn't work there will be 4 people in this world, including myself, that will be devastated. Sure, I ask the other 3 *all the time* what will happen if I don't respond to treatment and they say "we'll keep looking for something new". . but you and I know that:

1/money doesn't grow on trees & we only have a limited amount (I hate to even think about where the $$ is coming from now)

2/my parents aren't getting any younger (i.e.-they clean my house daily, which I am ashamed to admit and I simply cannot help much because I'm hurting too much or am too tired)

3/j. didn't apply for this job when we got together. sure 'for sickness and in health' but he probably is really tired of 'in sickness' and virtually has no wife. i'm pretty much a fixture of the couch or bed. i do make him coffee each day but c'mon. . .

Pain level today is about an 8/10 (w/ medication). As usual, am in shorts and have an ice pack. Opiates cause you to sweat and have hot flashes and since I don't respond to *any* of the other meds that are for FM, I'm stuck with Lortab, Percoset, Oxycontin. . . and all the fun side effects that go along with them. I've built up such a tolerance that I could drive 100 miles taking a Percoset and a Flexeril. What scares me more is that the medications are already losing their power as my body adjusts to them. . what's next when I've used all of these up?

18 days. . I've never been as scared in my life as I am now.

l_l