Blog #3--Heavyweight

Yep, struggling with insomnia again. The medication I take for profound depression is called Seroquel. It is indicated for those with bi-polar and schizophrenia, but is also used for people who resist treatment with the usual depression meds (that'd be me).

Seroquel is great as an anti-depressant and is also a fantastic sleep aid. Some people take a very low dose of it for sleep in lieu of the usual sleep medications because it's non addictive and it actually allows you to go into normal, deep sleep.

Seroquel is rotten for weight gain. They warn you 25 pounds and I got all 25 in 1 month. Seroquel also makes you feel so hungry I can't explain it. After I have taken my dose before bed, if I wake up, I will eat an entire box of granola, a box of donuts, once I even baked a cake at 2 AM on my Seroquel buzz and ate almost the entire thing.

I have never been an eater before. I could take or leave food so this is really hard for me. I have finally had J. put locks on the 2 pantries that I get into at night and even with that I still find things to eat (corn meal mush? I was desperate).

So this explains my whale-appearance right now. I hate it so much that I am now down to my lowest dose of Seroquel for sleep purposes and my metabolism should speed up again. I also hope the cravings cease although they haven't tonight. I ate junk, junk, and more junk and probably went 4 times over my 1000 calorie limit.

When I wake up in the AM, I am so ashamed of myself for not having the will power. Of course at this point the Seroquel buzz has burned off and I'm not that crazed hungry person.

But here is my dilemma: I don't want to take the Seroquel at high doses anymore so I can lose my weight and get back to my normal size 4. But at the low dose of 50, I don't sleep. If I go back up to 75, the weight gain will be back in full force. . the mid-point where it won't make you crave food/gain weight and still help you sleep is between 25 to 50 mgs. 50 is clearly not working so my choices are: 1/deal with the insomnia; 2/go up on Seroquel to 75 and keep trying to get the weight off by extreme means of discipline; 3/stay on 50 and go back to using sleep aids such as Ambien.

Note, I used Ambien as a sleep med for 0ver 10 years and my tolerance level was so high I could take 30 mgs and still be awake. I have not touched Ambien for well over a year+ until this past week when I've finally given up on trying to go back to sleep on my own.

"They" say that FM causes you weight gain and insomnia, so I hope that within a month or two the insomnia will be gone and my weight will have started to decrease.

As for tonight, I am feeling sickly full (ate 2 pieces of pie + 2 PB&Js) and am kicking myself for eating them. . and I am on the way to the kitchen to take an Ambien.

Is all of this stuff related to FM? Could I really be rid of insomnia in a month from now after I've had it severely for over 15 years?? Will the Seroquel drop kick start my metabolism and will I be able to exercise enough to get back to my normal size?

If I could have a yes to all of those answers, I'd be so happy I can't even express to you how much that'd help my life and my happiness. . . but I'm a skeptic. I know that a positive attitude can change everything but I am not an optimistic person. I'm a true fatalist. . .

Pain today was about 6/10 due to it being so warm. . but still having a CFS cycle. . very tired and my lack of activity makes it even harder to lose weight.

I can only hope that this place does turn out to be a miracle for me. . I'm secretly hopeful so keep those positive vibes coming, ok?

l_l