(note: blog was written at 2:03 am but Internet services were down)
Today is one of those days where the depression takes over and I lay in bed all the time. I thought that being away from home might leave the depression there but no, it hasn't. Yesterday I had the IBD side of FM bothering me and was nauseous and throwing up a lot. I still had to go to 3 treatments and that sucked. My doctor said I did too much the day before (drove around the lake) and to rest more. The advice wasn't needed. I came home at 4 pm yesterday and slept until 12 pm today. I woke up feeling the blackness & shadows tainting everything.
I tried to watch TV but it was boring and the darkness kept intruding on my attention. This was my first day off and I am at the lowest point since I've been here.
I'm so lonely. I am home sick and I feel like I am missing the summer. It's so cold here. I feel regretful for all of the different things that have happened over the past 10 some years that lead me to this point. Regret that I cannot correct and connections I cannot make or re-make no matter how badly I want to.
Of course I cannot be feeling better after less than a week of treatment but I really cannot imagine being here through September. I feel hopeless and I don't want to be here. Actually, I don't want to be anywhere. I wish I could leave this place, this world. I would be free of my ailments, heartaches & suffering and my family would be free of the burden I've become.
As I've mentioned before, I tend to use music as my voice and so I'm going to post the following lyrics from an older Alternative group 'Toad the Wet Sprocket', the song is titled 'Fall Down'. Note--the only part of the lyrics I do not relate to is 'she even hates her friends', clearly I don't and actually love them dearly. Here we go:
'Fall Down' by Toad the Wet Sprocket:
She said I'm fine, I'm okay cover up your trembling hands
There's indecision when you know you ain't got nothing left
When the good times never stay
And the cheap thrills always seem to fade away
When will we fall
When will we fall down
Jump back, got to get out of here
Been too long this time
Jump back, got to get out of here
When will, when will we fall down
She hates her life, she hates her skin, she even hates her friends
Tries to hold on to all the reputations she can't mend
And there's some chance we could fail
But the last time someone was always there for bail
When will we fall
When will we fall down
Jump back, got to get out of here
Been too long this time
Jump back, got to get out of here
When will, when will we fall down
She said I'm fine, I'm okay cover up your trembling hands
There's indecision when you know you ain't got nothing left
For the last time conscience calls
For a good friend I was never there at all
When will we fall
When will we fall down
l_l
1 comment:
Hey you, I miss you already!
You know you are where you need to be right now! If you had not gone you always wonder if this would make the difference in your life.
Remember why you are there, remember that you deserve the very best that this life has to offer.
Get mad, yell, cry, SCREAM, and then get better!! Write, write, write!
Bring you home for a moment: we're missing Yarana (the black kitten); she disappeared Friday the 13th. Met the new neighbor - hmmm?!?!
I miss you and wish I could some how reach out to you and make it better. Remember we all love you and want only the best for you!
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