Once again, insomnia. I was actually asleep but woke up w/ a terribly sick stomach (IBD strikes again). I did all the things to calm my tummy, again I am going to be totally open about this: gave myself an enema, took a medication for my tummy, took a sleeping pill, and now am eating saltines and Diet Sprite waiting for things to calm down.
Anyway, I am on the end of the 2nd day on our journey to South Lake Tahoe. The first day of driving was about 2 hours longer than we figured (9 - 10 hours??) and today we took a wrong turn in Laughlin and had 2 more hours added to our trip as we backtracked.
Tomorrow we only have 150 miles to go and we'll hopefully be there by noon. My goal is to get my 'house' set up, cleaned up, and then find the clinic. My first treatment begins w/ an evaluation at 2 PM on Monday.
I have been what my dad says "up" for the trip but it's will power on fumes as I have felt extremely exhausted and my pain has not let up. The 2 Type A's have gotten along very well and I'm happy to report we have not killed or maimed one another thus far.
For people who know me well, they know that I am very verbal and wear my heart on my sleeve. Some even know that I tend to use music as my way of communicating when I cannot summon the correct words (this is not some random tangent here, hang w/ me).
J. calls me a lyricist freak. I know lyrics to almost every song I've heard. Good lyrics change things for me. . a song can really suck (i.e.- any/all Country songs) but if it has a good line of lyrics I will listen to it over and over and over again.
In my humble opinion, the best lyricist in the world would be one William (Billy) Patrick Corgan. You can say all you want about his musical abilities, his attitude, etc., but he is genius when it comes to the written word. He is a true genius (he started reading around 18 months old) but instead of using it for science, math, or some other academic means, he chose to use it with his lyrics, writings, & music.
Sounds stupid, but I kid you not -- I have been to very low points in my life (***I am not suicidal now***) and the only way I managed to get through a bout without hurting myself was to listen to one of his songs, then if I could I'd listen to one more, etc., etc. and finally I'd be past the crucial time. I also have always used music as a memory tool. My memory about growing up is vague but if I hear a certain song I know exactly what year it was when I heard that song (well, the lyrics actually) and what was my emotional situation at the time. Kenny Rogers transports me back to early childhood -- before my first chronic illness occurred. Others that come to mind are Queen, Journey, U2, Van Halen, and many one-hit wonders. I didn't discover Billy Corgan until age 19 and he's literally saved my life many times over. I know many of you will say 'what a load of crap, what a hypochondriac' but it's the absolute truth.
Where does this tie in to my journey to getting my health back? It comes into play because I know that the songs I am listening to now are going to always remind me of this horrible time in my life and even though it's been awful (and still is) I have first-hand lyrics that have been rolling around in my head for the past 3 days and decided to share them with you.
I also hope that people who are hurting from whatever physical and/or mental illness to take note that the smallest things can turn you away from making that fatal mistake of taking you're own life. If you are feeling that way now, please call someone you trust and try to get through the time it will take for your friend to arrive. The following is a small, but very useful, way to throw your mind from your dark thought. Pick out a song that really speaks to you and allow your mind to not think about anything other than the words of the song. If it keeps your mind off the dark places for at least 1 minute, then try it again for another minute, or song by song. do this over and over again until help arrives. Clearly if that doesn't work, I beg you to call 911. I have read statistics that people with diseases like FM and others (MS, MD, Lupus, etc) live with constant, chronic pain and I'd bet that the majority of them have had the thoughts of suicide, and my goal is that if I can save even one person from hurting themselves, then my suffering has had a positive outcome. If you want to know why this is so important to me, you'll need to read my blogs on www.myspace.com/lunabast You will find how I handled the death of a good friend who succumbed to suicide and what I've tried to learn from it.
So here are the lyrics that have been tumbling around my head for about 4 days now. From the song 'Bring the Light', written by Billy Corgan:
here and gone oh i trust
you'd spit upon my dust
and mix my ash with your blood
a son of God you know you must arrive
in the light
What does this say to me? Well, as all lyrics it is open for interpretation but to me it sounds like someone who is surrendering to a higher authority, whether it be God or the Divine One. To me it says no matter what happens, when I'm done on this earthly plane I trust that the Divine will make me a part of her and together we will be in the light (Heaven, or as I refer to it--The Summerlands).
This set of lyrics have kept me going as each day grew closer to my departure. After I had said all of my goodbyes and was on my own, I repeated these lyrics over and over again and it became my mantra and my prayer to take the burden away from me and give it up to a higher power.
My biggest fear for the clinic is one of failure. As I've said before I am skeptical at best because I've been duped so many times before, medically speaking. I don't want to walk into that clinic on Monday with high hopes or jaded beliefs, just as a blank slate who has the confidence that I'm being guided by my destiny or fate. Letting go of the responsibility to make this clinic work, I can now quit feeling the burden of outcome (good or bad).
What's my message after all this cryptic writing? I think I've found a way around my greatest fear about coming to the clinic and that is I've given away the responsibility to someone else -- and that someone knows how things are supposed to be.
I apologize if you find this blog un-related to my health. It's not easy to describe the emotional wear and tear that a chronic illness has one you, but that was my goal here and I hope if even 1 person out there who is suffering and just making it day-by-day or minute-by-minute that they know that they are not alone and can try using music/lyrics as a way to help take your mind off the problems you have or help you articulate the very intense emotions that are going along with your physical and/or mental illness.
Don't give up on me if you hated this blog. . . since Monday is right around the corner, I will be immersing myself into this new method of healing FM and am going to do it sans the worries that it will or won't work. If you just said 'why would she be worried if it does work?' and I say to you that this is a subject for another day but it's quite common for people who have been chronically ill to become scared to leave their comfort zone, even if it's a miserable existence.
I hope the arms of slumber are surrounding each of you in restful sleep.
l_l
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